Finally filed today
Twenty-one months since starting here and Alanon after finding out his "AA attendance" for the previous 4 years was bogus, and he'd been continuing to hide his drinking, smoking and raiding of our savings to pay for it.
Eighteen years after marrying him and spending all but the first 6 months being filled w/lies about smoking and drinking, plus lies about other things that it made no sense to even lie about in the first place.
Twenty years after meeting him and thinking I'd found my "savior", my safe warm place in the sun.
Fifty-four years after being born to an ACoA mom who never sought help for herself, and thus passed on the legacy of dysfunctional relationships. I see now that I never had the slightest idea what a healthy relationship looked like.
We were married at the county courthouse, and I have not set foot back there until today, when I filed for divorce.
I've swung wildly between exhilaration, mind-numbing doubt, emotional exhaustion and nauseating fear. I'm just drained. But get this--I got in the car to drive home and turned on the radio, just for some other kind of noise in my head. You cannot believe what song came on--"Won't Get Fooled Again" by the Who. I found myself bellowing "we won't get fooled again!" along w/ Roger and Pete. And I'm sure I will get fooled again, at some points, but I hope not in the same ways and I sure hope not for as long!
When I told him yesterday that I wanted to go thru w/the filing, I got no response other than "well, you have to do what you have to do" followed by a somewhat annoyed "do you love me?" This morning, I told him I needed him to sign the papers (pro se divorce) and I would file them this AM. He did so, and I asked if there was anything he wanted to say or share. Nope.
You know, I'm way past the point of thinking this will "wake him up" or of wanting him to make some effort to "save" things. But I guess I'm still taken aback that he has nothing--not a G**damn thing--to say! Not even a simple "I'm sorry we're at this point." Not even "F you and good riddance." Nada.
We may end up living here as roommates for a while. I could see that happening. I really don't have a problem w/him making the choices he does, just as long as I'm not tied to the results of those choices along with him. I don't know what will happen once things are finalized, but I'm trusting more will be revealed.
And as a note to myself: On the way home, I started thinking about all the forms still to be filled out, including the financial disclosure, and what a pain in the a$$ it was going to be to find all our info. Then it occurred to me that I only had to find HALF the info. The other half is HIS, and he can damn well find it himself.
I want to thank all of you here for getting me to the point where I could say "enough is enough" and not keep on endlessly thinking "well, he's trying" and "well, really, how much can I ask of him?" and so on. He sure had plenty of brainpower and energy to figure out how to hide his drinking, his smoking and his stealing of our savings! Is it really so outrageous to imagine he could put that same amount of effort into his recovery? No excuses. "Rigorous honesty", for me as well as him, is the only way.
I'm off to go soak in a hot bath, maybe w/some lavender oil. I need to relax and recharge; tomorrow is work, and Thanksgiving draws near. Bakery people nationwide tremble in fear...
I cannot say how all of you here have helped me to change my life, my perspective and my hopes. Bless you all.