Hello
Ready...Welcome to SR.
I just saw your post and do understand. Sorry you are having problems with alcohol.
The way you are now is where my drinking used to take me.
That deep dark cold hopeless feeling was my companion.
Have you considered trying to quit? It is possible and there is hope for you too. You are not alone..millions of us have quit and found a better sober life.
May you find your answers and peace...