Don't give up!
I have not been on this site for a while but I just wanted to return and give something back because of all the times it kept me going when I was in the depths of despair.
3 years ago my ex-AH's drinking and abuse had got to the point I felt I had to do something. I told him I was leaving him for another man. Looking back I was in no state to do that but I thought it would shock him into recovery. It did not. His reaction was a very young new gf and to file for divorce. I was absolutely devastated.
Like many wives and gf's here I was humiliated and hurt. I started Al-anon and also went to Womens Aid for counselling and started trying to live my own life.
What I found was that his behaviour towards me got worse and worse - he was horrible, insulting and hurtful. Nothing changed until I detatched from him. I lived in a dark and painful abyss but I held on to Al-anon and slowly started to put the focus on myself, my career and making a lovely new home. I found as I got better the relationship I had with our two children got better. I started to have times which were not just free from pain but in which I felt excited about doing new things and actually happy and content for the first time in a long long time.
As I have got better things for him have got worse. They sink lower and lower without help and drink more just to be able to stand their world.
2 years ago I would have given anything and I mean anything for him to come back to me and try again. Now while I have no wish to see him suffer I see how futile that would have been.
I have now come out of the denial that the 27 years of marriage we had were great - they were not, they were awful and I would not go back to them for anything.
In recovery we often feel like we are not getting anywhere but eventually staying out of the alcoholic situation will start to have rewards and benefits.
It is possible to be happy again all you have to do is show up for your own recovery. Go to your meetings, do your readings and see the alcoholic for what they are - a very very sick person.
I look better and younger than I did five years ago! I do yoga. I have lovely meals, I laugh, I see my very few but trusted Al anon friends. I don't associate with anybody or anything that is toxic to me. I work for myself and I enjoy my job. I have the money now to treat myself! The bad days still come but I just sit with my feelings and try to hold on to my new behaviours. It is definitely a much better place to be. Thank you all.