I was just told two years ago that I might have experienced emotional abuse for a long time. I am doing what I can...it is overwhelming. I do thing that kindness works best for me along with the truth of other people's experiences using 'I' language. When I wasn't aware of anything...my family always supported my husband and may still. I don't really know if it is me or something else. I am looking at the patterns and have been working on them for 19 years since my first daughter used drugs and I threw myself into trying to help her...and also threw myself into helping Mom and Dad with Dad's massive stroke and was working around the clock...and that is my pattern...always helping my immediate family, trying to be there for my family of origin in their pain only to find out after their pain passes (the crisis is over) that I burned myself out and am incapable of working as before...and the blaming myself.
Have seen this pattern repeat with 2 other daughters and right now...setting boundaries on daughter #2 who decided that she 'fixed' herself and it is me that has all the issues and has bonded with family of origin who shunned me 13 years ago when my family started manifesting issues and have allowed my daughter #3 to cut contact with me...also blaming me...and I am still trying to get up and get a job.
I have asked for additional meds and am feeling a bit better (not thinking yet but at least energy-wise) and am going to my naranon meetings and have worked my alanon program for 19 years although the layers in me seem endless and so triggered by alcohol and substance use/abuse. I have now been told that I need to take care of myself and I continue to walk the path...when the kids were little...they were my responsibility. I find that being able to post here is possibly saving my life...because the support that I had in the past is not there...different reasons but I am so isolated...and the pain that I have felt with daughter #3 shows on my face and whole body...and people withdraw from that, including my family.
I have become the identified patient within my family--mom has depression and anxiety...she is the 'sick' one. I only hope that what I am doing now will help. I was out of recovery for 7 years when I believed that I got better...and didn't have money for therapy etc. and needed to 'help' husband with failed business, losing house and bankruptcy...and thought that things would be ok with 2nd daughter as we gave her a place to stay with her baby twins so she could finish college and we took care of twins...and didn't know 3rd daughter was using...or she wasn't...had her in therapy as I did the older two.
Then it all came crashing in...and I fell hard...and I don't know who I can trust, what to do for me...or how to stand. So I am doing the same thing I always do...looking for work and praying and doing steps 1-3 and also thanking God for clarity on #4--which has clarified to another level...abandonment...but I am so weak and overwhelmed. I am in bed when not working except for destinations that I need to go to...the meds are helping but not kicked in...and I am so afraid...and I can only hope that this is a deeper layer of feelings that are in my body.
My mind does not figure these things out...I feel them in the body. I feel so afraid and this, too, has been the pattern. I have found clarity in the past...and every time there is a spiritual breakthrough, I feel relief...but this is the worst episode in so long...and I feel, again, like I am to blame...or I am the failure...but I look above and I am doing 'next right steps'...I am doing service to others (in other venues of Parents of Addicts and where I am called by God) and I believe in God...although I am so just clinging to my faith and hope by choice...not as in my earlier years...a complete confidence that God would prevail...the past few years have had crises of faith.
I am praying and working on me. Trying not to obsess and be too compulsive. Letting go and letting God of all that I can and cannot think of...trying for complete surrender.
I know from experience that the hard times do not last...have experienced miracles...but the blame from two generations has taken it's toll...and I am simply continuing the path of letting go, letting God...letting two generations of issues come up and the pattern of needing to financially survive through my own efforts...and working my program...it feels like I am lost but I am not letting my feelings prevail...but rather setting out one task at a time...no matter how small...and doing it.