Thank you Amy. As a DV survivor and an active member of Alanon, I try to choose my words with care. Yes I work the 12 steps, now that I am free of my abuser(s) and no longer fear for my safety.
But when I was in abusive relationships, growing up in a household with domestic violence and later experiencing it myself, the 12 steps of Alanon were not a helpful tool, they only made things worse.
Detachment enrages the abuser, makes him or her work harder to get the reaction they need. Trying to remove oneself from an abusive situation (going to another room or part of the house or even leave the house) makes the abuser follow and escalate.
Many of the occasions when I had to call the police were to keep my ex away so that I could remove myself and my children from our home without injury or escalation. He is an alcoholic and suffers from severe brain injuries, but he almost always had the presence of mind to stay calm in front of the cops.
Why didn't I leave?
Where the &$!? was I supposed to go? My family lived 750 miles away, my mentally ill mother only acknowledges my existence about fifty percent of the time, my alcoholic father and I haven't spoken in 15 years and when I called the DV hotline for help the first thing they asked me was if I had money for a hotel room that night.
Yeah, sure, but not if I want to eat next week. Were they kidding? Our monthly income was about $1500. My ex used to spend at least a third of that or more on his monthly bender/booze/legal expenses/getting robbed/whatever.
So I thought about killing myself. Which would have left my sons at the mercy of an abusive alcoholic parent or mentally ill grandparents or some hideous combination of the two.
As much as I suck, I am the ballgame for these boys. So I hung in there, waited for an opportunity and jumped on it.
I was not brave or smart or even a particularly good mother. I was freaking lucky. Don't tell people that they WANT to be abused. Or that they're asking for it. Or that if they wish really hard that the 12 steps will take them out of Oz and back to home sweet home.