Hey M - sorry if you mentioned this before and I forgot...have you been in *any* counselling? I mean, GOOD therapy? (I say that b/c I now know the difference between a good counsellor and a bad one)
AA is great (I don't do meetings, but get that it works for people)....but one on one counselling with someone who is UNbiased (sorry, but AA is biased to an extent) and has some experience with addictions, may be able to help clear some of those cobwebs.
just a thought. You need to break this cycle, somehow. And I think you need to deplete every resource available to you.
When I complained to my BF and parents "but I can't AFFORD that"....their answer was "well, you always had money to get drunk, so you can afford it"
LOL