BeABetterMan

I wrote this letter as an IOP assignment. I wanted to post it because I know many of you out there can relate. I was crying when I wrote it. Partly because of the damage I've done, and part of it is genuine grieving for the lost of my lifetime partner, Alcohol. My support, my rock, my everything. In recovery, pain creeps up now and again. Pain that has been suppressed is rising to the top and I have nowhere to run. I know it gets better. I'm patient this time. Best wishes to all of you in the struggle.


Dear Alcohol,

No one will EVER tell me that we did not have fun together. We shared something special. We were inseparable, an exciting combination, a match made in heaven. I admit that when I met you I used you for my own pleasure. You were an experiment. I didn’t care about you nor did I respect you. You were there simply for my enjoyment. I could have never imagined the extent of your power. But our early relationship was great. We shared unbelievalbe times, fun times, exciting times. Times that only us and select other few know about will live in my memory forever. I lived 10 years in a single year early on. But slowly, subtly, as time passed, I became dependent on you. The tables had turned. After a few short years I didn't like to be without you. I felt like I really couldn’t be without you. I realized that it was forever, that we were forever. But, I thought that was ok, and you weren’t as bad as meth or cocaine and I more or less quit doing them. And for a long time, I lived that way. NOTHING got in our way. Nothing. I lost relationships, jobs, money, respect, pride, my future, the future of my children. But I didn’t care. Why would I care, I mean I had you. And that was all I needed. We were all we needed. And just so you know, I don’t feel like you turned on me. I honestly don’t blame you at all. It was not you that changed, it was me. I have a strong constitution so I didn’t allow myself to be destroyed. I was strong and I figured that weekly, and later daily, damage control was a small price to pay for what you brought to my life. But things started to get more serious. Darker. It wasn’t as fun anymore. The wake of destruction left behind everywhere we went was filled with sadness and hurt. It was clear that we had changed. I had changed. I was hurting those around me. I was hurting myself. It just wasn't fun anymore. Inside I’ve known for a long time, but recently it became tragically apparent to me, that I can no longer have you in my life. I will destroy myself if we do not separate. I will die. Because I am in a tough spot in my life, I don’t value my life all that much. But I can not hurt my children any more. I am a man. I will provide the love and care and essentials that they provide as long as I’m alive, and I hope that is for a long time. I will miss you dearly Alcohol. But I’ve lost too much. My bleak future is too certain with us together. I know that you will not be lonely. I know that you never meant to hurt me. I’ve tried every way imaginable to avoid having to write this letter. I never wanted this. I have come to admit that I am powerless and I can not survive with you in my life. Goodbye Alcohol. I’m sorry.