isitme

This is really what I was thinking as I read this thread. That over time we all become slightly addicted to the drama, the ups and downs. The extremes. Even now you've called it euphoria. By definition euphoria is a brief state, not typically achieved during the normal course of human experience. It's not supposed to last. However through the course of alcoholic relationships we've learned to expect those heightened emotions on a regular basis. Whether they were good or bad. Is it possible you just haven't quite figured out how to just "be"? Is that why the pull of the old flame is there? He brings a little merry-go-round with him too right? The high of the contact, the low of the dismissal?

I hope that's not coming of harsh..it's really more of just a brain drain type of assessment that I pulled form reading the thread.

On the other side of this story I'm hearing you say.. you weren't enough for either of them. I see that another way too. Their actions seem to have little to do with you and more to do with them. So your XAH took the mistress to his mother. Isn't that more of an action of him trying to bolster his own self importance? Make sure he doesn't look alone? It's a perfect cover to keep his real feelings hidden. I might say the same thing about the old flame. You'd probably be better off letting that one burn out.

I usually try to keep my posting to something I have experience with instead of what I just did.. assessing. But I really saw it thought a different lens and I wanted to share that with you.

I hope you can find some of those simple pleasures and balance for yourself.
Big Hugs.