Desperate mistakes I've made over the years
Dear SR
This is part of a much longer post - but thought I would send it as separate thread... mistakes I have made while being involved with a cocaine addict. Mistakes I have made upon realising he has relapsed.....
When I first expected he had relapsed I told myself to stop worrying – stop overreacting – H is clean. So I ignored EVERYTHING my gut was telling me.
Then a few days later – my world was blown apart. He told me he was battling – that he had used cocaine. And immediately I stepped off the realm of truth and reality and was lulled by his sweet tongue – I drank it all in by making these desperate mistakes:
1. I so desperately wanted to believe that this was temporary.
2. I allowed my future dreams to be intertwined with his – I allowed my future happiness to be directly connected to him. This put me in a very dangerous position – of absolutely relying on him. Made me very vulnerable.
3. I complimented him on his ‘honesty’. I felt encouraged by his willingness to share his vulnerability. How naďve could I have been?? I did not see he was simply quacking – making more promises to break – just to placate me.
4. I believed by his sharing – that we would ‘walk this together’.
5. Then, when I simply wanted him to commit to his promises – inadvertently putting pressure on him – my ‘sweet, honest H, who was prepared to conquer the world for me – to slay the dragon bearing cocaine - was no longer that sweet.
6. Within hours he went from sharing and discussing therapy together - to ‘this is not a real relapse’ – and the final blow ‘I NEED SPACE’. Oh he said it very sweetly.
7. So I gave him space. But after the days went by – this man who loves me so – stopped calling. Stopped responding. COMPLETELY & UTTERLY CUT ME OUT!
Thank God – the above ‘cycle’ only lasted a week. Before I joined SR (almost 3 years ago) I would have been in a very different place. I would have begged, pleaded, cried, pondered my very existence, blamed it all on myself and gone into a spiral of depression.
Thank God for my complete faith in Christ – and all the years of therapy and advice from SR – I was immediately able to see the situation for what it truly was – FULL BLOWN RELAPSE.
Cocaine had entered his world. And I had a choice – Cocaine was NOT going to enter MY world.
I didn’t even bother to ask how often – how much – for in that VERY instant, as my stomach churned, as I wanted to be sick, as I felt the room spinning – I remembered EVERY single piece of advice ever given to me on SR.
God bless