SallyTaylor

Hello all,

I was hoping to get some advice/support from the members who have made it through to the other side. I separated from my XAH in May with the decision to divorce made in late July. He signed the uncontested papers last week and it should all be final by early December.

Initially I was so relieved to be away from the pain and the drama. The cheating, the lying, the verbal abuse - it had become intolerable and while the pain of actually conducting the separation was excruciating, on some level I knew I would be better off on the other side.

And for a few months I have felt that way - relieved to not have to engage that way anymore, welcoming the peace and quiet at home, relishing the freedom to do what I want to do without having to jutify it/defend it or feel bad/guilty about it.

However, now I find myself extraordinarily sad. The apartment feels empty and lonely. The things that I use to distract myself feel trivial. I remember when he actually cared about me and I struggle with why I threw that away.

Less that 3 weeks after I told him I wanted to proceed to divorce, he had already introduced his affair partner to his mother. I know in my brain that is so messed up in terms of what it says about how little he actually cared about me, but somehow I still keep thinking about the times before that.

To make matters worse, the man who really broke my heart before my husband came back into my life after 7 years - saying things like he had lived in regret for forever over breaking up with me, that he got depressed when I got married, for years he imagined us married with our own family, he didn't want to move away from me, etc etc. Then he made a date to see me and broke it 3 days before hand b/c of a new relationship he had started. I asked him not to contact me but he will periodically send me emails about funny things we shared in common and then throw in a reference to what a good lover/kisser/athlete I was and how he wants to talk on the phone, then the next day when I respond with times he can reach me, he blows me off with a vague we'll connect soon.

I feel doubly rejected and my head can't let go that both of them saw something in me that they didn't like/couldn't deal with and preferred other women to me as when they had the choice they picked the other.

My family and friends all say both were trouble (for different reasons) and intellectually I can see that sometimes but I feel so empty and sad and I just can't stop crying as I feel like I lost something so very precious that I had (the marriage) and then just months later lost something that had been precious in the past which seemed to have the potential to re-ignite again (the ex-boyfriend). Yet neither of them sees me/it has having been precious or they still would want to be in the picture.

I just didn't expect that the euphoria/pride in breaking free from the marriage would then turn into these feelings of sorrow, remorse and regret. And even worse the feeling that both are just as happy if not happier without me which validates the feeling that I wasn't a good part of either equation to start.

For those of you who have been through all this, have you felt this pull backwards? And if so, how did you get back on track? I can't even imagine being able to love anyone again as the pain from both of these experiences is just so searing. And yet for them, it is just so effortless to love someone else which makes it feel even worse.

Thanks for listening.
Sally