Hi Everyone
The reply's and comments that have been posted by you fine folk's is very much appreciated. I have read them over and over numerous times each day and pick up on something new and useful everytime I read them.
I know now that I've been going about it all wrong. I've even gotten my AA big book down from the shelf and dusted it off. The first few paragraphs of "How it Works" deals with rigorous HONESTY. Being honest with yourself and others is a keystone to the whole recovery plan. Well I guess it's time to come clean and be honest.
During my few months of "Not Drinking" I never really made an effort to pursue my recovery. I believe I was looking for a reason to drink. I wafted through each day waiting patiently for the right event to take place to justify my drinking again.
That is really how my "Warped and deminted" mind is operating. I can see now that being abstinent is just the beginning and I feel I never really got further than that. I never took the steps or put forth the effort to get my recovery off the ground.
During that time of abstinence The "physical" me felt better, I lost some weight excercised more and felt great ! However the "Mental and Emotional" me is still suffering...and of course thats what true recovery is all about. Getting your head "Screwed back on Straight" !
Now to the REAL honest part of this confessional. Last Sunday at dinner I slipped. The next night was...a relapse. I've been drinkl daily since. Back to square one...Day one.
Now it is a matter of coming to terms with myself. I'am just so disgusted, angry and upset with myself I dont know what to do. The guilt, dispair and pure FEAR (of knowing I may possibly never be able to stop it and die a drunk) is overwhelming. The 5 months I had, I was proud of ! The 40 pounds I lost...I was PROUD of !!!..and now POOF !!! All GONE ! Guess it's true what they say..."Pride Go'ith Before a Fall"
If I can say ANYTHING "Up Beat" about this whole thing it would be this. I'am taking this relapse much MUCH harder than any other relapse that I can remember! The guilt, shame and remorse I'am feeling is way off the scale ! Quite frankly, I hope I never forget how I've felt this week. Hangovers hurt bad enough but my mental state this week is scareing hell out of me! ( fear not, I'am not capable of..."it")The time has come to get serious about this. To FIGHT the foe and overcome the "Demon"...and reclaim...ME !
I just want to get well. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of meetings to make...and a lot of time to spend here with all you PARTICIPATING!!!...and not just watching the threads go by.
To each and everyone of you, for putting "up" with me, standing by me, supporting me and being here for...me! Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU !
Dave