Hi Dave, again. My gosh, this looks very complex, and complicated. And not something that started yesterday, or after your trying to sober up... I don't have any significant words of wisdom to you except that I often feel respect for people who stay in these kinds of marriages for... the endurance, at least.
Lots of things to sort out here, much more than your trials with sobriety. How about your focusing on that, though, for a while? And have a serious conversation with your wife about it, that you don't want to drink, no matter what, period. But then stick with it and work on your recovery. If your marriage has been like this for a while an there is no acute crisis, perhaps I would not attempt to sort that out as well at the moment. Just focus on your staying sober, see how you feel about everything, communicate with your wife as good as you can, but without pushing issues. Then if it holds up after a few months, maybe you two could try some couples therapy or something like that? I dunno, just thoughts that have popped into my mind...
Thanks for the updates and I wish you well.