I really hate that I am still stuck. I am still hurting. I am still crying. I am still feeling the loss of him in my life. I am still trying to figure out what the f**k happened and why I couldn't stop it. I am still trying to wrap my head around how he could tell me how much he loves me and wants to share his life with me - and show me in so many ways... and then end the relationship by yelling "F**k you!", hanging up the phone and never once looking back. I don't understand how he can tell me that he'll arrange to have my things returned to me, then after two and a half months of no contact later, when I send an email simply acknowledging that we still have things to exchange, he replies with cursing and threats and copies in his parents and mine (mind you, we are in our early 40's) and then I get a "cease & desist" letter in the mail from an attorney.
How can this be the same man I loved?! Why does he hate me so much?! Why do I feel like I never mattered? How can he just delete me from his life like I never existed? Why am I still wondering if he cares, if he misses me, if he thinks about me? Why am I still wondering if maybe I made a mistake - maybe he's not an A?? Why do I still feel guilty that I couldn't find a way to deal with and accept his nightly drinking?? Maybe if I showed more compassion? Maybe if I tried to be more understanding and less controlling? Was I being controlling, or was it him blaming me? Will he ever realize what he gave up for drinking?
Why the f**k are my feelings and emotions STILL all over the place? I can get angry at the drinking him, but I cry over and miss the sober him so very much. Up, down, Up down... over and over. I'm emotionally exhausted.
Is this what dating an alcoholic does to your thinking?! W.T.F.
I want to be OVER this!