Hi Felicia,
It sounds like you are grieving. Have you ever heard of a grief counsellor? One was recommended to me when my relationship suddenly ended. I was spinning asking the same questions you are. I did not see one, although I did talk with a therapist. In hindsight, I think I should have done the grief counseling in addition to regular therapy.
You might look into it.
Your ex isn't a nice guy. He did a jerk thing. In the long run, I doubt you want to be with a selfish jerk. Keep putting distance between you and him. Get the help you need and keep moving forward. There are many non-jerk men out there when the time comes.