Originally Posted by
Exegesis 
....I'm sure most peoples stories are much worse. I'm just trying to figure stuff out now that I've committed to sobriety.
Does anyone else have similar experiences? Trust/intimacy issues and a parent who was physically present but still absent.
What are some of the characteristics of an ACOA?
Originally Posted by
NorCaliGal ... Yes to the outside observer, other ACoAs had it way worse than me. Also to the outside observer, others may have worse drinking problems than me,and others may have partners who are worse alcoholics than my partner....NCG
Hello Exegesis, Hello NorCaliGal, and welcome to you both
One of the central principles of ACoA, which took me a long time to understand, is that the damage caused by dysfunction is _not_ based on what was done _to_ us. The name of the program says "Children of Alcoholics", but that was started in the early 80's. Nowadays it should be "Children of Dysfunction", because it's not the _chemical_ that causes the damage.
It's not the physical abuse either. Children who survive horrible accidents, or disabling diseases, recover just fine _if_ they have a loving, supportive environment. What causes the damage is what is _missing_ from a child's environment. A dysfunctional parent is not able to provide a child with the kind of gentle, loving emotional nourishment that is necessary for healthy growth.
One way that works for me, as far as identifying my ACoA traits, is to watch how other people respond to a given situation. For example, I once had a fairly abusive boss, and most people would quit in a matter of days, weeks at most. When _I_ looked at this boss's behavior my reaction was "It's not _that_ bad!".
Except it _was_ that bad. What my ACoA traits do is they create a "filter" between reality and my perception such that I am much less aware of dysfunction in other people. It is almost as if I am "blind" to toxic people, yet most humans can see the toxicity just fine.
Am I making any sense with that? It's hard to explain with just text on a screen. In any case, welcome to you both. Whether you have ACoA issues or not, I hope you find something useful around here.
Mike
Moderator, SR