(((Pam)))
I'm so sorry, my friend. These experiences are so terribly hard and messy at times, I totally understand you. I second what Nuudawn said above. Don't fight it. I do the same... try to fight some of my most powerful emotions, have done this in my whole life during certain periods... it never works really as far as truly feeling better, and sometimes it screws me up big time. Just had an episode like that this week, I was really out of my mind and paranoid, hysterical for two days at least, just up to yesterday. I went to the ER in the end because I could not bear it, and they really helped. And SR... I also had thoughts of drinking and a general feeling of "screw it all", but did not act on it, in those moments mostly because I knew getting drunk would most likely not kill me, but the guilt and shame afterward might...
One problem with treating sadness and depression with alcohol is that it only works for an hour or two, as you know... then everything gets much worse.
What you are feeling right now is not wrong. (Saying this to myself as well...) Don't drawn your real self, Pam. Come here and post as much as you want instead!