breakfasthere

It has been some time since I posted so I thought I'd give everyone an update. First off, I'm typing this from my parents house in Washington. I drove all the way here by my lonesome (ok ok, my cat was with me too). Its a pretty huge accomplishment for me, because even at 30, I have very little experience with being independent. I digress.

My husband has been sober 12 days. He's still in FL, but I believe him. When I finally realized that I literally had NOTHING to lose, I let him know everything I'd been holding back - I was disgusted by his behavior and I didn't care about saving our marriage anymore. He still drank the day I unloaded on him, so I sent all his calls to voicemail. I did answer a morning or two later, and he was more clear and lucid than he'd been in months. He goes to an AA meeting nearly every day and is actually talking to me about things he'd avoided our entire relationship. He says he finally hit his bottom, between getting arrested (again), getting more or less evicted, and losing me. I'm surprised he has a bottom at all TBH.

I know we are not out of the woods. Believe me, I know it more than anything! The days he doesn't go to a meeting, I am still worried sick. If he doesn't answer a text immediately, I start fearing the worst. I hate it because, before he got back to AA, I had actually stopped caring and started having fun (I made pitstops along my cross-country trip to stay with friends and family). I had more or less accepted that we were over and was coming to grips with that. But now, he's back in my life and back in recovery and I'm worried sick. I know that its his recovery and his alone, but it's a hard concept to grasp for me. In addition, I am hating living at home! I feel like a loser! My folks aren't bad people, but they still see me as a child and want to know every detail of my life right now. And I just don't want to talk about it! I have a job interview on Tuesday for a retail position while I wait for my professional license to be processed so I can get back to my career. Hopefully, doing Holiday retail will take my mind off of things and keep me out of the house. I have no friends here so I don't have many excuses to leave the house otherwise. My mother takes it personally if I don't want to hang out.

So anyway, we are working on our marriage because at the end of the day, I am in love with the guy and he's in love with me. Unfortunately he's an alcoholic. He seems enthusiastic about sobriety and he says that by the end of the year he'll be here. He wrote a plan down! He has a sobriety calculator on his phone! He hasn't done these before. It gives me hope but also terrifies me, because every day he stays sober, I put another egg in that basket. If that basket falls, I don't know what I'll do! I'm going to a meeting tonight. It's 45 minutes away and my mother doesn't understand my need to go, but I am going. I leave in half an hour and I can't wait.

I hope that was coherent. I just needed to get that out. Any and all commentary will be greatly appreciated.