sperry1106

Hello. I'm not really sure what I'm doing on here; but I need to get this out somewhere....
My live-in boyfriend and I met 3 years ago in AA (I know, I know). We started a relationship after we'd both been sober a year; and he planned to move in with me shortlythereafter. I am a recovering alcoholic; he a crack addict. He explained to me that this was the longest stint of recovery he'd ever had; and that he'd never had more than 4 months clean in the last 15 years or so. I didn't really understand what that meant..but he seemed to be doing good. I had no idea what I was in for.
Relapse after relapse after relapse began and my life became a living hell. He is truly a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - 2 different people. He moved in and out and in and out as he left for rehab and to stay with his very enabling codependent mom. He stole everything from me...my car, electronics, money. 18 months later I relapsed also, which only added fuel to the fire. He moved out for good last February. He went to rehab and I eventually went to detox to get myself back together. (In April).
We'd been apart for about 6 months when we started talking again. He'd been clean for 4 1/2 months and me for 3. He relapsed again. He got clean and then moved in with me. (As I write this I realize how crazy it sounds).
I'd bought a house in the mean time so he came to live in the house; it was a little domestic dream. He talked of getting married and being committed. He did house work and fixed the toilet. He paid rent and worked and had a car. Everything seemed perfect. Until it wasn't.
He started seeming "off" again (I know the behavior patterns by now) and I was nervous he was acting out in other ways (sex, stealing....etc. all of it that comes with the crack addict territory).
Anyway - he seemed 'off' yet he's been doing everything right. Talking ot his sponsor (who is also his boss), reaching out and calling people....and then Wednesday he tells me that he is not ready for a relationship and he is moving out so that he can get his head together and stay clean.
This should be wonderful news. I should be so happy that he's finally, for once, doing something so different than anything he's ever done. Only I'm not. I feel just as betrayed - if not more so - then when he leaves because he's high. He left me sober. It kills me that he has to leave me in order to get better. And I feel like a bad person because as another recovering addict; I understand that this is probably the absolute best thing he could do.
So he left; he's back at his mom's; and I'm left alone, again to deal with all of those things he promised to help with.
The rational side of me knows that I'm better off without him here while he goes through this - his 2 sided-ness is impossible to live with. As he goes through his moods he acts out (Like I said, sex (mostly porn, but who knows what else)....he acts out very disrespectfully, i'll just say that. And he gets mean. He's not a mean person; but there's this side of him that is so filled with rage. Anyway - the rational side of me knows I"d rather not live with that person. But there's this other person; the one who moved back in; who was loving and caring and loyal and everything I want and love. And I miss him. And I hate that I have to let go of him; and I'm not sure how. All of this time I have been his biggest supporter (not enabler; for the most part. I learned pretty good boundaries early on), and yet I get left in the dust again.
Well, that's my rant. I'm hoping here has something similar to share - even in AA the people, for the most part, don't have experience with such late-stage crack addiction and so it's hard to find people to understand.