I'm really glad you are learning a lot from posts here. It's important to come to terms with the reality of your situation. Addiction is hard to understand. I too thought I would grow old with my XABF, but his addiction changed all that. It's hard to let go of that dream, but it's important to realize that an addict isn't capable of giving me that dream. Feel free to vent, sometimes it feels good to just get feelings off your chest. Keep your head up!