Nuu... thank you
Yeah I definitely learned to seek help for myself the hard way. I had a very pronounced tendency and pattern in my life to NOT seek help when younger. A false sense of independence and self-sufficiency. And I think in part I kept that behavior for so long because I was actually rewarded for it all the time from external sources. Well, long story that started in my childhood with the relationship with my parents and then continued for decades, often reinforced from my own chosen relationships, both personal and professional. I was always admired for my so called independence and autonomy, and for my relentless inspiration from within, apparently always seeking and following my heart's desires. Often also when everyone else around me suggested it's an impossibility, I should not do this or that, it's far too risky. I've never been afraid of taking those sorts of risks and diving into the unknown. Until all this got turned upside down by the progress of my alcoholism, and then of course many of my attempts to find meaningful things in life and in my connections with others got really distorted, and I did not have the discipline I'd had before, to follow up anyways...
EndGame - your insights are suggestions are of course spot on. You just described with formidable accuracy a few mental and behavioral tendencies that have caused some of my most major personal challenges with "being the kind of person I am". I know that you also know some of these same challenges from your own life experience, I think no one could deny our similarities here on SR
It's no surprise, or accidental, that we have also chosen similar professional routes, and have many similar interests, of course. I know perfectly well that I am not alone with my callings, my inspirations, my problem areas... and yeah, I also know that the best focus of inquiries and investigations is rarely the "why"... I know that when I focus on that, it tends to be a not always healthy, but old habit. I know how these things are defenses, thinking that knowledge will save me, and maybe even save the world around me... It's an illusion and defense for sure beyond a certain dose. And here you are right again about the "dosing" regarding curiosity and questioning the nature of everything. See, all these things were some of my most important realizations in my early-to-mid 30's, pretty much like in the story of Buddhism, why I like those philosophies and the practices they offer to live a more balanced and peaceful life.
And yeah, I relate to a depressive episode becoming the source of great and unforeseen lessons and life changed. That was when I learned to accept and seek external help... simply because I had no other choice. Still not formally as a patient, just from my colleagues who had to work with dysfunctional me and for some reason, instead of getting rid of me, decided to save me... it was definitely one of the most debilitating experiences I've had, totally cut me off from that inner source of motivation and drive I always had earlier and that people admired about me. I've only had one such episode so far, lasting ~6 months at its most intense, but I would not wish it on anyone. These occasional days of "craziness" I've had this week are nothing in comparison.
As for (not) letting the love in and letting myself experience it fully... another old feature of mine. But it's never constant, I've been fluctuating between quite extremes regarding this throughout my life. Either a lot of defense and walls, or no boundaries. This is why I so enjoyed that thread we had some time ago from RobbyRobot, titled Authenticity... I think I'm a lot like him in that area that was discussed there, regarding mentality and emotions.
In my case, I think a lot of this is fear-based. I know perfectly well that I am an emotionally very intense individual, but I like to fight it and turn it into analysis... this is what I think I should let go of, these attempts to control. I've been aware of this for many years now but still keep falling back to the same trap every now and then. I guess it's a learning curve.
The love for my father and his love for me is something I know I should definitely let in and let both myself and him experience it as long as it is possible... I want to do better at this now. As for my ex... I would also be content with communicating some and letting him do things that help him grow and feel less guilty about our past, but they would have to be different things from trying to tempt me into his hotel room or sending me silly video clips... I would be open to true reconciliation that supports the mental health of both of us. But not to his attempts so far.
I absolutely believe without the slightest doubt that stable sober life offers so much... much more than we could ever envision with the ever-changing and limited mindset even freshly sober. I have no intention of challenging that, or breaking my sobriety. I did have thoughts of drinking these past two weeks, along with more general "screw it all" feelings...I would be lying if I did not admit to it. But no, won't be heading down that road.