Losteverything, I'm new here and new in my latest forge into sobriety but I will say this: you can drink enough to black out every day and it will never make the pain go away. Reason for that is twofold: chemically, the alcohol is rewiring your pain every day so that the on,y way it can make itself happy is to have alcohol. Two: the only way to get through pain is to go through the fire. Avoiding it won't work. Pushing it down won't work. You have to put on your fire suit, jump in, and go through it.
When you go to therapists and counseling, are you honest with them? With yourself? Do you do the hard, soul searching work that needs to be done? Do you apply the new coping mechanisms they try to teach you? Talking helps, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
I self medicate too. I medicate for loneliness. But you know what? If I am honest, and it's really hard to do! The truth is I make myself lonely. I had to leave home at 17 because it was abusive. I have no family, so I've had to create one. But I haven't. I push people away, I hide within myself, I build up walls. The good thing is, I can change. The actual problem is what's wrong is the only thing that I actually DO have the power to change: myself and my attitude. And that's a pretty empowering thing to realize.
I'm so sorry you've experienced the deaths of a lot of loved ones. But drinking won't bring them back. Drinking won't heal the pain. It doesn't even let you go through the pain. It's like you're In a time loop. You'll keep feeling it deeper every day as long as you drink.
You need to stop drinking. You need to let your brain chemically feel happiness again. You need to grieve, bawl your eyes out, break things, whatever makes you feel better. Then you need to move on. You can do it. Find a therapist that you click with. Find a friend or sponsor in AA that you can lean on. You can do it. Life sometimes is filled with loss... But it's your choice to fill it up again.