Just a little update:
My daughter went to Alanon yesterday and got exactly what she needed. The support of people who know and understand. It's so simple and yet so profound. I don't think I'll ever get over how well that Rx works.
Anyway, the issue of boundaries came up, both at her meeting and in her conversation with me. It got us to thinking about how hard it is for her to articulate why his "love life" bothers her so much, and how to best articulate boundaries to a father who isn't going to want to hear them. Many marriages break up, many parent go on to have other relationships. many kids get over it. Why should this be different?
As I was driving to work this morning it hit me. My STBXAH has serious unresolved mental health issues. Drinking is only one of them. Another huge problem is his issue with women. He has consistently chosen both alcohol and other women over my daughter, and she knows it.
Having his girlfriend sit at the table with them was virtually the same as having an open bottle of tequila sitting on the table.
When framed that way, my daughter's boundaries make clearer, and perhaps cleaner sense. This isn't a "petulant teenager". This is a young adult saying that they don't want to condone, or be a part of, the same sort of behavior that has hurt them deeply in the past.
I shared my insights with her, and she said "Well, yeah! In a lot of ways the stuff with the women bothered me more than the drinking!!!!"
That's saying a lot.
I don't know if she'll ever have that "boundaries" conversation with her dad. I hope she does someday, but I need to let that be her decision. It's hard to let go, but so far she's had fairly good instincts about these things. Either way, I think the most important thing is that she be clear in her own mind. So far I really do believe she understands that it's his problem, not hers.