I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain, but I agree with the other Lost - please don't give up.
If it was true drinking helps you deal with this stuff you've have cried yourself out and worked through your pain ages ago.
What drinking actually does, in my experience, is keep the pain fresh....so fresh that the only solution at hand is to drink and numb ourselves some more.
I was terrified of dealing with any of my baggage. Drinking was a way of not really dealing with it for me.
I promise you the fear of dealing with this is greater than the pain of actually dealing with it.
I had a huge bag I was carrying around too...It took me a long time to empty it and to deal with what was in it. - but I wasn't alone - and you don;t have to be either.
you can do this LE...find the right kind of help and support, and commit yourself to putting down the bag - forever
D