I definitely know the feeling. I self-medicated for 20 years. It is extremely difficult to fill that emptiness inside once you have stopped 'medicating', especially after you have lost loved ones. It's not easy, but you can do it. I believe that we all have something very special and joyful deep inside of us. We just have to remind ourselves of that from time to time. We may have to rid our minds and our bodies of the poison, that we have depended upon for so many years, to find it, but it is there. I am praying for you. 😀