Originally Posted by
losteverything 
I self medicate, because the pain inside cant come out, and drinking lets it come out slowly in my tears
I'm sure you know Lost, but drinking doesn't let the pain come out. It simply postpones it until you get sober again, and most times actually makes it worse.
Drinking is the problem, not the solution.
You mention you've spoken with therapists - on a regular basis? Some folks do need medications - but prescribed and controlled, not purchased at a liquor store. Have you tried AA? How about outpatient treatment? Or maybe even inpatient?
I know the depths of despair that Drinking can take you to, I've been there as many of the rest of us have. I don't have a concrete answer for you but keep trying as there is a better way, drinking is never a better option.