After all the years and all the support that I rationally know I am insanely blessed to have, I think the 22 years that I believed abandonment and degradation were the norm for life will always win out. I struggle every day to try and get past that, I consciously work on having a more open heart, on letting people be there for me, but at the core of myself even though I know I would drop it all for someone I love it's nearly impossible for me to believe it. The actions and words of those I surround myself with tell me that there is no reason to feel that way, but still the child in me doesn't know how to listen. It may be a lifelong struggle.
I also have a problem with negativity, and my friends still shake their heads when they move quickly and I flinch. Only my best friend and boyfriend have managed to have me stop that reaction and that was due to hundreds of supportive and positive interactions. However I do notice that even though i work on positivity in journals, my speech, and in what I read it is not usually my first thought or response. Today, I met with 2 directors 3 administrators and my boss about an amazing opportunity when asked how I felt about it I said cautiously optimistic, because I can see what could go wrong.
There was a metaphor about clocks that my friend learned at an AA meeting. I can't remember the story about it but the gist was don't spend all your time making clocks aka, don't spend all your time worrying about problems that don't exist. I repeat it frequently and also remind myself that like it or not this is my life, the life I was dealt, no amount of wishing will take that away so the best thing I can do is be gentle to myself and remember its a marathon and a party not a sprint.
