He will never know the damage...
...he has caused.
Today I am sitting in my Dr office because my hearing is horrible resultant of the damage of the radiation and chemo I had last year. Cancer may be in remission but I still have other physical challenges as a result. It is very hard to engage with children, at work and socially when I cannot hear much. People have to yell for me to hear them. It is rough on me and everyone around me.
This morning is DD6 first Halloween parade at school. She was so excited. However my dr is one of the best in California and always overbooked and his nurse pushed my appt up to today because she knows how I am struggling and how I fought the cancer as a single mom. So she scheduled me this morning before everyone else, so I had to take appt or I cannot get in until January. So needless to say nobody would be there today to watch her. Coming from a parents who never attended anything I know how that feels to look for parents and not see yours.
So like an idiot I reached out to separated AH last night to see if he would mind going so she would have at least one parent there. He gave me an attitude and said its my fault hes not going and if he had his daughter regularly, he wouldnt mind going today. He said that he doesnt want the first time he sees her in awhile to be at her parade. (He doesnt have any visitation right now until custody issues are worked out as I am asking for supervised visitation).
Its like I have the most minimal contact with him right now and every time he has any way to hurt me, he does. I know I made the mistake by reaching out yesterday. I just have to resolve myself to the fact that he just does not care about our daughter's feelings or emotions. He does not see that he is doing the same thing to our daughter that his alcoholic father and drug addicted mother did to him.
Anyway, the world isnt over and we will still have a Happy Halloween. I will pick her up early today and I am working our church festival today which she is so excited about and we will make it a great one. I just had to vent this out here because I know only you guys understand what I am feeling this morning. If it wasnt enough that I am going through all the physical challenges of not being able to hear, being a working single mother, I am also dealing with emotional sadness of the reality and mourning of my husband that has been lost to this disease.
He will never know the damage he has caused to everyone around him. Or he knows and does not care. Not sure which is worse....