frustrated for teen daughter
I'm so frustrated and hurt for my 17yr old daughter right now. She just got home after meeting her dad for coffee, where he surprised her by having his girlfriend show up.
A few weeks ago he asked her via text if she and her boyfriend might want to go to his house and have dinner with him and his girlfriend. She responded that she wouldn't be comfortable with that, but that she would like to take him and her boyfriend to coffee once she got her first paycheck from her first job. (A huge deal for her, by the way.)
For the past number of years my daughter has had a very distant relationship with her dad. At times she wasn't even able to be in the same room as him. As soon as he got home from work she would run up the stairs. His presence made her almost physically sick. She hated him. She would occasionally break out of these periods and "open the door" to him, but every time she did he would do something to "slam the door" in her face, and she'd be back to not talking to him again. Lately, however, things have been going pretty well. He takes her for driving lessons every few weeks, and they've been getting along quite nicely.
I just don't get it. He claims to want a relationship with her, yet whenever he's given the opportunity he squanders it.
I'm sure in his mind it wasn't a big deal. Just some silly, moody 17 year old girl reacting to her dad having a girlfriend, but for her it's a much larger issue. It's tied into issues of trust, and his drinking, and his selfishness, and his continually putting other people above her. It's about him not being able to respect one simple boundary of his only daughter. The person he has said on more than one occasion he loves more than any other person on this earth.
I'm trying to stay out of her hula hoop, but it's hard. My hips are a lot bigger than hers and I know I could get that thing rotating at a phenomenal rate, but that would be wrong. There's an Alanon meeting tomorrow. Hopefully she can make it. Probably better to have her Alanannies help her through this particular problem then her mom. (Alannanies.... I love that term!)
In the end, however, I do suspect this is going to come down to her ratcheting up, and defining those boundaries, and possibly learning to better communicate them to her father. The communication part, in particular, is going to be challenging for a 17 year old. I think it's challenging for most of us, but for a 17 year old girl to lay the law down for her dad is a tall order.
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think how she handles this might define how they move forward. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers too. I'm going to do my best to step back and not advise her to much. Our divorce will be complete soon enough, but he'll be her dad forever.