aloneatlast

I have been trying to figure out why I slipped. I think it comes down to this.

I was on Holiday in Thailand and went to a very fancy hotel and have all you can eat buffet with Champagne. I never drink in front of my Wife at home, but on holiday, she thinks its normal, so "lets me off".

I drank a whole bottle of Champagne and obviously being an alcoholic I wanted more. There was a desire that existed.

Now another scenario, on Sundays we eat an all you eat buffet in Manchester, England and because I am not allowed "to drink", I order a pot of tea.
I drink the tea and enjoy and do not think about drinking until later that day, when my Wife is in bed.

As you can see, I can control drinking but only when I believe I have no choice or I do have a choice.

Do I want to drink, at the moment the answer is "NO". . . why ?
Well I am frankly sick to death of it all, you know all the reasons, so I will just say blah blah blah, dont want to do it anymore.

Do I need a drink, "No", I am quite happy typing away drinking tea, ready to go to bed sober. I am not going die if I dont drink.

So why do I keep starting again ?
I believe it is because I look back to the holiday and remember the experience of drinking Champagne and not remembering the desire to drink more. I remember all the good things about drinking and I choose to filter out all of the bad things about drinking.

This evening I have been watching tonnes of Youtube videos about celebrities, especially Richard Burton and his battle and a lot of things he says haunt me, because they are so true.

He says, when we drink, we (alcoholics) are wretched creatures, yearning for a drink day after day and night after night, never satisfied, never fulfilled.

With this in mind, we must admit, that no amount of money can solve this problem, the more money we have the more we would drink and the worse our problem would become.

Our only hope is to do the one thing the alcoholic part of our brain doesnt want us to do. Thats is to say, I am NOT alcoholic, I do have the power to stop and NOT give ourselves the ready made excuse that we are powerless in the face of alcohol and to simply say every morning.

Whatever life throws at me today, what ever excuse I am given, whatever, whatever whatever I do not need to drink and I do not want a drink.

Every night, we must also thank ourselves, for not putting ourselves through this living purgatory any longer and remind ourselves we are alive because of this decision.

Good night and Whatever God you believe in, Bless You.