I joined this site for some added support. I have been addicted to pian killers for years, though I've also abused amphetamines (adderall and ritalin) and alcohol (rarely, but still...) I've been clean for 2 1/2 yrs but have been in and out of recovery for over 10yrs. It's always been complicated with the fact that I have severe chronic pain from degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine. I've have 7 different types of back surgery, one of them pretty major in which several discs were removed (called a lumbar fusion/ laminectomy.) On Nov 11th I am having another lumbar fusion. I had a morphine pump implanted in Jan of 2013 because of nerve damage and it was working really well until May. All of a sudeen I started having serious pain in my back and increased nerve pain in my leg, as well as a significant decrease in the strength in that leg and foot. Well, my point is that even after increasing the dosage in my pain pump, the nerve pain from the new injury is so out of control that I've contemplated getting pain killers on-line. My doctors are awesome and they're doing the best they can to help manage this pain until the surgery. It isn't enough. I feel like a crazy person! I get these firey hot, stabbing/ throbbing pains in my leg every time I stand up and with every step. They're so strong that they take my breath away and instantly bring me to tears. I'm trying so very very hard to stay clean through this. I really am but I'm going mad from pain. I've thought about killing myself but I don't want that. I won't hurt my family that way. I can't LIVE this way either. I'm praying that there is someone reading this who has had a similar struggle and can offer some experience, strength and hope. Thanks for letting me ramble on.
