wow I can relate to your post big time. My ex A didn't relapse yet that I know of but a lot of what you said I remember going through. He was also sober about 9 months when I left him.
I remember him making me feel like I wouldn't let the past go, and that I was dwelling and that I had to figure out how to get past my hurt. A part of me felt like because I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't forgive that there was something wrong with me. I mean forgiving someone isn't a bad thing.
We couldn't really talk either. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling because I either A. Didn't care and couldn't hide it or B. Cared for a minute but lost the feeling and got defensive C. It triggered my own resentments and insecurities and yes, I guess it came across as being judgemental because mine would accuse me of that too.
I also was very disappointed in "sobriety" and started to see he had way more issues than just alcohol.
Maybe you have had enough. Maybe you can't do it anymore.
Just so you know, if you have had enough, it's ok. You can say that and feel that. I didn't feel like I could. I felt like he had "gone through all of this trouble" to get sober, went to rehab, went to outpaitent, went to counseling, the least I could do was try to work it out. But there was just no way.