I know a few people who got sober after many many years of drinking... One is the dad of a good friend.
His wife, and the kids up and left because the mom had had enough of his BS.
He decided on his own to get sober and from what my friend and her mom have told me (and they shared a lot over the years) he focussed on staying sober and being a good man, good dad, good husband. He cared about their feelings, he dealt with how they felt and not just his needs/wants etc...
He is sober still 13 years later and kind amazing guy.
I think when A's start in with "I have to focus only on me- it's all about me me me" that is just step one in the slow path to relapse...
The more empathetic we are to others the better for our own health is what I think... I always have been irritated by those (my xAH being one) who when they profess to be serious about "recovery" seem to think that being self absorbed and self centered somehow has to do with recovery...
Sounds to me that your "R" AH is looking to blame you for why he's miserable if he stays sober or why he relapses as he clearly sounds like he plans to.
Recovering from being an A seems to me to be much more about changing the victim/entitlement mentality than it does the actual drinking...