petmagnet

I don't even know what I am dealing with anymore. I knew that the first year of recovery is tough on relationships, but this seems extreme. RAH had been sober for 9 months. He's going to AA and a counselor. About a month ago RAH came home from work telling me all about his desire to drink still daily, and began informing me about relapse, as if he was trying to justify it or prepare me by saying that almost all alcoholics do it, and that he still fights the urges daily, blah blah blah. When I expressed my feelings on that, telling him that I hoped he didn't relapse, I didn't want to go back there, that it made me feel very insecure. That I was sad that he was just as tempted as day one and it wasn't any easier for him yet was scary. After I said that he got really defensive and said he was just telling me that this isn't easy, and that I need to let go of my past feeling and fears so I don't judge him moving forward. Of course I let him know that what he just said was naturally going to play on my past experiences and that he cannot just dictate that I forget all that. That the slate is never fully wiped clean in that way for the SO and that we have to work around it and we have relapses of our own type. Of course he just got madder at that point, and so did I.

He tells that I need to work on myself- which equates in his mind that I need to find a way to give him a clean slate and not apply any past memory/feeling to anything that happens now. He resents that I have these memories, he thinks that he's made his amends by staying sober 9 months. He doesn't even have the blow device out of his car yet and he expects amnesia on my part! You'd think I bring up past hurts daily or weekly, I DO NOT. This was the FIRST time I had mentioned any insecurity when he started talking about relapse. I've stayed out of the way of his program/progress, he brought it up.

I mean WTH??? I am not getting this nor do I appreciate it. And... he did relapse this last Friday night. I did nothing, went to bed and after he got up the next day, said that I hope this doesn't become a pattern again, he's not going to sit here and drink, and it will do nothing to help the cause he so desires and went on with my day. Almost every day since this disagreement has started 5 weeks ago, he comes home from work irritable, miserable, withdrawn, a bad mood in general. He's hard to live with. Maybe someone can shed some light on this. I am completely frustrated, doing my best to stay out of his way, and cope with my own feelings on my own time, not his time. He resents me for not forgetting and I feel he's punishing me. I am beginning to think sober or not he's just messed up, and there is no hope at all. Hes angry because he can't control my feelings. I cannot talk to this man because he's soooo defensive yet. Not sure what to do at this point. My deep feeling is that he wants to drink again off an on and this is his way of trying to pin me into not getting upset about it-by pressing the clean slate thing, every day is a new day, one day at a time thing. If I were to say that to him, he'd chastise me and say I am fabricating things in my mind and using the past against him. So, I will never say it even though it's on my mind. So, not sure where this leaves us. We cannot communicate at all.