cusper

Since Thanksgiving (I am in Canada so that was a couple of weeks ago) I have felt a stronger urge to give in and drink. I have crippling anxiety these days. I seriously thought the anxiety I had was due largely to drinking before now I wake up and wonder what symptoms will set me off during the day. It's a bit frustrating because I really thought by now I would be in a better place. I am not saying I am in a terrible place but I feel like lately I have been down.

I had a minor operation a couple of weeks ago (no pain meds) but since then it feels as if I am emotionally weak and will cry and take offense to anything (kind of like when i was drinking) and I start to ask myself the crazy question of what the point is? I feel like it's truly impossible to really kick back and relax. I admit I am a bit jealous of my friends I was out with tonight who could put their feet up and have a few drinks.

Sobriety has been the only choice for me I know. But now I am in overdrive most of the time. I make money from my paintings and every chance I get I paint and I should be happy now that I am selling and making money but I feel like I am just running on a wheel and once I've stopped painting for the night the anxiety begins.... I should be doing more.

I've made so many good life decisions in the last 11 months and I feel like I have come a long way some days. However lately I have been leaning on the romantic days of wine and cigarettes. I guess it's just a rough period.
Besides the plethora of drunken incidents i have to choose from I have the thought, -at least I am not hung over dealing with this anxiety- that would be worse. and things will be better than the last few weeks if I stay sober.