Hi everyone,
Just checking in. I know I check in a lot. This might sound loser-ish but it's because I get lonely. I'm an introvert by nature, but that doesn't mean I always like to be alone. Even though I'm a stay at home mom, and I'm technically not alone, I don't have anyone to talk to during the day. So for a social life I have you (SR), my husband, Facebook, and a couple of other moms I meet up with once or twice a week. I don't know that I really want more than that because, like I said, I'm an introvert. But that's the reason why I'm on here so much.
I miss that aspect of my job. I miss my nurse friends. They got my sick and twisted jokes. They understood me. But when I quit they moved on, naturally. I still keep in touch with some of them. Mostly through Facebook. Sometimes I even miss just being a nurse. I was proud of it. I wanted to be a doctor, but I never made it. It was a decision I made. I love medicine, but not that much. Doctors live and breathe medicine and I didn't want that. I plan on going back after Nulu #2. I don't like to work as a nurse while pregnant. I respect those nurses who do, but I choose not to. I don't feel satisfied with my career at all. I didn't end up where I wanted to be. When I go back I want to work toward getting back in the ER or ICU. Then I want to get my master's degree eventually.
Ugh, ok I'll be honest. Maybe I feel a twinge of regret about not going to medical school, or at least CRNA school. And yes, I feel like it's too late. But what it all REALLY boils down to is that I just don't want to at this point in my life. Could I have done it before I had children and gotten older? Probably. I think that's when you have to do it. When your life is a little simpler. When you can jump in that pool without getting overwhelmed. Could I pack up my family, force my husband to quit his cozy job, relocate to a different state where I could go to medical school or CRNA school, pay thousands of dollars in tuition, and spend hundreds of hours away from my family studying? Yeah, I guess you could say it's
possible. But do I really think that's a good idea for my family? No. I made a decision a few years ago when my husband sat down with me and told me he'd follow me wherever I decided to go with my career. I decided to do nothing. It was a decision I made out of fear and because I didn't have to think about it because I had my old pal booze. Now it's too late, but it's OK. There are still a lot of things I can do with my career once the time comes.
Wow, this turned into kind of a rant session, didn't it? Yet, it feels good to get it off my chest. It's been weighing on my mind a bit lately. I think I'm having a mid life crises. I feel like life has gone by so fast and I'm not near where I pictured I'd be. I'm starting to see wrinkles on my face and I don't get hit on like I used to. I thought by the time I was 30 I'd be graduating from medical school, or I'd be in some OR working as a CRNA, or I'd at least be a badass flight nurse. Instead, I'm just a stay at home mom. Complete 180 from where I thought I'd be. I know, I know. Being a stay at home mom is an important job, etc etc. It's just not what I had in mind. Many of my nursing school colleagues have gone on to be CRNAs or nurse midwives or nurse practitioners. One of them even has her PhD. I always thought I'd be ahead of them or at least right there with them. I was the one who went straight to the ER after school. I was also the one who got a DUI on her last day of nursing school
: Now I'm still ye old standard nurse. I don't even work in the ER anymore. The last job I had was practically on the floor *scoff*.
Sometimes I feel like I wasted a lot of time during my alcoholism and I threw away some dreams. But, that's the past and I can't change it now. I still have a lot left, anyway. I have a bachelor's degree in nursing and a ton of experience under my belt. I should enjoy this "break" with my baby while I can. One day I'll go back to work and I'll probably be on here ranting about that lol.
I hope you're all having a good night tonight. Thinking of you all...