Hello, DJ0822
I know your heart is broken. My son is 37, an opiate addict, and it is so painful to see how he's changed, not only his physical appearance but the mental and moral decline. I don't know who he is anymore. He's been on drugs since age 26. He's now married and has two children. The destruction is incomprehensible. I also understand the emotional and financial devastation you spoke of.
My husband, my son's stepfather of 15 years, and I are in the stage of total nonsupport. We've finally surrendered. We're not giving him anymore money or a place to live. We have propped him up and bailed him out for many, many years, buying houses, cars, food, clothing, hospital and doctor bills, and even paid for - which I don't even believe in - a bankruptcy for him and his wife, thinking if he didn't have all the bills then the bill collectors would stop calling his places of employment and he could hold on to his good jobs. Didn't work. Nothing we've done has fixed him. I don't know what it's going to take for him to abandon his lifestyle of begging people for money, manipulating, lying to everyone. It's just so sad and heartbreaking to watch him slide down more and more each time we see or talk to him. My thinking has been, I'll try this one more thing and he'll stop doing what he's doing. Didn't work. I tried until there's nothing left to try.
Last year about this time I truly thought I was having a mental breakdown. I had been to AlAnon before but not regularly. I'd go, things would get a little better, I'd not go, ect. This time was different. We've been attending AlAnon for a year, which is a start. I started getting better immediately, just knowing I wasn't alone in this battle, that there were lots of parents going through the same thing, some with children 12 and 13 years old.
After a year of no contact with my son the phone rang the other day and it was him, no job, no place to live, no money, desperate again. Even though we were attending AlAnon and knew better, we gave him a motel room free for a month and some more money. He had landed a very promising job here close to us. His job and the money were gone in three weeks.
So the first no was he couldn't live with us, the second no was when the money runs out, don't come to us for anything else, you're on your own. Turning loose, saying no to his "right now" demand the first time was agonizing. In the past, when he demanded, I'd jump through hoops to cater to him. The second time saying no got a little easier. My son now knows that he's used us up. He's used up his dad, his wife, his employers, friends, hospitals, doctors, detox places, rehabs.
I don't know if you've tried AlAnon. It's usually the last place anyone turns until they hit their emotional, spiritual, moral, mental, and financial bottom. I guess just like the alcoholic/addict, AA is the last place they go. I've heard numerous stories in AlAnon where the wife or parent started attending meetings and the alcoholic/addict followed and got into recovery, got sober, and are living very productive lives.
I will keep you, your husband, and daughter in my prayers.