Zoso,
I'm not sure I will be able to answer your question in a way that you won't be able to pick apart.
Underneath it all, X is great. (Yes. They all are, aren't they?) Maybe it was first love. Maybe it was more. Maybe it was nothing. I hope it wasn't. I still hold on to the maybe that could be he is receptive and completes treatment successfully, and someday (seriously, not like tomorrow) we can try again.
I was happy he was in my life. I still am. I don't regret anything. He pushed me at work, he pushed me in life. He was supportive of me and my job, my friends, my life. He made me laugh, smile, cry. He was able to read me, and wasn't afraid to call me on my BS. He's a family guy. He's got the biggest heart (although sometimes too big, like mine.)
And I feel like I "unpacked" my radar out of my Life Kit. And maybe I just didn't need it before I met him. Becuase now I'm able to know and see things that show me what's really happening, instead of what I'm being told. (Even if that's seeing who he is right now). Maybe if nothing else, I can be grateful he helped me unpack.
His brother-in-law spoke with him a few days ago. I guess he's not on blackout. He asked X, So what's with you and Aurora? X's reply was how I don't even want to talk to him and I'm not being supportive. Quack.
I don't think I can do NC. I haven't been reaching out to him, but I can't call him. And I couldn't support him sneaking in the phone, so that's why I didn't call or text. He has my number. (Well, really he's probably forgotten it because it's a new one that's not long distance.) But it's like he's saying to everyone, "Hey I'm here right? See me doing this? Look at me rehabbing!" But I can't feel his heart in it.
I can see why he did what he did. I'm a great girlfriend, but an even better enabler. And honestly, if I were him? I wouldn't have done it any differently. Because he kept up his double life for a long time. To protect himself and his addiction.
I just wish I had't been caught in the crossfire.
If I SEE (not hear from his mouth) an effort, then I feel like I can be supportive. But if he's messing around and sneaking around, why should I put in effort if it's not reaching him?? Is that me expecting too much? Is it just wishful thinking?
I can hear you now, Zoso.
It always feel like my instinct is wrong, so when do I start trusting that it's right again?
I'm going to stop before I keep contradicting what I'm saying. Thanks, SR, for beging somewhere to catch my ramblings.