As Dee said, I am sure any of us here would welcome a PM. Just conversing with someone who understands can really take a load off. I would also encourage you to seek out a psychologist. Now, wait, hear me out. YOu said that you have had bad experiences with doctors (I am assuming psychologists as well) but I hate to say it, that is kind of normal. Finding a psychologist is a deeply personal thing. It takes work on your end to find the right person. I had to go through a number of well meaning doctors before I found one I clicked with and that I though was taking me seriously and could provide me help. It was worth all of my effort to find her.
YOu know what, you DO come across as needy. But definitely not pathetic. It is perfectly ok to feel needy and need comfort, attention, help, etc. It is ok. I don't know when that became wrong. This does't mean that a healthy lifetime goal is to be coddled and hand held, but sometimes we ALL need help and attention. Don't worry about that- you've got enough to worry about!
I apologize if this was covered earlier in the thread, I can't go back that far while responding, but what about AA? YOu are allowed to feel sorry for your self and want help as much as you want, but you also have to take an active role in this as well. Get to a meeting. Those people care, guaranteed.
Lastly, this is your life bronkonagurski, in the end, you are in charge of it. I totally get how others can negatively affect how we are, but blaming others and outside influences is not going to improve things. It is perfectly fine to feel down seriously, I am a big fan of really wallowing in the sorrow and feeling sorry for oneself, but at some point, if you want something better YOU have to move for change. It sucks that things happened in your life, but they did. Now what are you going to do about it. Blame gets you absolutely nowhere. Start making small, positive steps for a better life. You can do this. But YOU have to do this.
I'll help you out, as suggestions, why not do the following today:
-take a shower
-go to the shop and buy something to make for dinner, including something green like salad or broccoli
-take a short walk, moving as quickly as you can
-look up aa meetings, you don't need to go to one today, but plan to by the end of the week
-look up the number for your insurance and CALL about getting an appointment with a psychologist
-make dinner and eat it
6 things. Some of them easier than others. You can do this.