I think the hardest thing for me to understand was he is an alcoholic I thought an alcoholic was the stereo typical alcoholic!! even when we were together I thought he had a drinking problem and everything would be ok, I listened to his false promises and believed him, believed love was enough. When I found this forum I wasn't even sure he was an alcoholic he didn't drink every night, he could go periods of time without drinking only to start again he didn't put me through what some people have experienced on here!
He was a binge drinker. It is on through this forum I have realised he is an alcoholic. For me that the was the hardest thing to get my head around when he left to do what he wanted and drink when he wanted I didn't understand the control it had over him and how much he had been trying to control it for years for one day to walk out on his family so he could drink. I still struggle with this but it is what it is and it was the shock that he left after everything he said and I have to remind myself I cant apply logic to something that isn't logical! He is drinking more now than he ever did at home, his addiction is progressing.
Meggam you will get there with your feelings and one day you will feel them and begin to process everything that has happened. I have to be honest I wouldn't have had the strength to leave him and if he hadn't left I'd still be in the cycle. You are much stronger and come so far than you give yourself credit for. You left and stayed away that strength!!
I begged and pleaded for months for him to come home and get help even when he continued to refuse I believed he loved me too much to lose me now I know different!! I am now beginning to realise love isn't enough!!
You are doing so well and it's understandable that you are scared to feel your feelings given what you have been through you will get there, I still take one day at a time and days like today it's one minute at a time. I am practising patience with myself at the minute as I want everything now, be patient with yourself, your a strong woman and your doing brilliant
Tight hugs.