I haven't done meetings so I had no idea the double-winner designation was an issue. I'm sorry you are feeling judged that way, I hope you find a more open-minded group to identify with.
One thing that sticks out to me in your post is this:
.........I'm not angry. Not really........... guess I don't know how to deal with feeling this. I'm fearful and sad.
I wasn't angry at my AF for a long, long time. I understood. I accepted. & then I was happy that he got sober & forgot about a lot of the crap I grew up dealing with, because things were better
now. He died suddenly a few years later & after that I just sort of forgot about being angry - I mean, it just doesn't
feel right to be angry at a dead guy, you know? Especially since he had been sober & had been really focused on correcting all his wrongs for a few yrs before his death.
I took the long, winding path back to my anger but when I embraced it, I was finally able to release a lot of buried emotions. Anger isn't always bad when it's justified & when it doesn't get mixed up with revenge/retribution. My RAF had passed away & was gone many years before I uncorked my anger. When I finally let myself feel it I raged out loud by myself, I wrote letters that I burned; I expressed every bit of my frustrations as loudly as I could
& then I felt better because I had every right to be angry over the sacrifices we made individually & as a family in order to feed his addictions for all those years. My anger was about standing up FOR me, not railing AGAINST him.