I'm sorry about Maggie.
Your caffiene/alcohol cycle is very similar to my weed/alcohol cycle. (Weed is a stimulant for me.) I also use benzos to sleep. I was sober yesterday, but only because I was too sick with hangover to use.
I have a bad habit of delaying grief - it hits months later out of nowhere. That's not pleasent so allow yourself to indulge in your grief now. It's better in the long run.
I'm glad you're here Cow.