Dealing w/ Sadness & Worry
I've been telling myself for years I really need to work on this stuff with my mom. I always get so damn emotional when stuff with family members (specifically parents) comes up in an AA meeting. Emotional, like often times crying and can't turn it off. I hate crying. I'm not the only one, right?
So, even though this isn't something that eats my lunch on a daily basis it's obviously still got a hold on me. My mom has been sober for 10+ years. I can never remember how long because it feels so fresh. Her health isn't great and it's in large part due to the damage she did to herself drinking. I worry about her.
The worry usually ends up turning into feeling sorry for myself or being just plain sad. I'm not angry. Not really. I understand it's a disease. I understand my mother (and father for that matter) did the best they could with what they had.
I'm sad that I didn't have my mother for so many years while she was drinking and now that she's sober ..... she's not the same. Sure, I was resentful when she got sober when I was in my 20s and she suddenly tried to start parenting me. No biggie...... but now, she's not even capable of attempting to parent or just .... as a mom, give me advice on things. Her memory is horrible and she seems confused often.
I remember when she was drinking I often thought "I just want my mom". Well, now she's sober and it's not her. She'll never be the same and it's not fair. It's like I'm grieving her loss or I'm trying to ...... yet, she's not actually gone.
I guess I don't know how to deal with feeling this. I'm fearful and sad.
SO --- I went to and ACOA meeting last night. I've been before and to plenty of Alanon meetings but never really jumped into it. I think I'm scared to commit.
As a side note:
I'm a double winner. It's nearly impossible for me not to think about my AA program and recovery in some fashion while thinking about this stuff and listening at and Alanon or ACOA meeting. It's so intertwined.
While I understand it, I think I may be sort of annoyed that at some (most) Alanon or ACOA meetings I can't or shouldn't mention that I'm also an alcoholic. I'll have to just get over that or just find meetings where that is more acceptable I suppose.
Just a vent post I guess. Thanks for listening.