Cathy,
I am 55 and have not touched alcohol since January 23rd of this year. I had gone to AA about 12 years before when I first became concerned at my drinking and had not found the experience helpful. The stories of other alcoholics at the meetings always seemed so extreme and so alien to my own story that I convinced myself that I was just a heavy drinker and not an alcoholic.
I gave up on AA and returned to what I thought was a normal life i.e. drinking. Over the next 12 years my drinking got heavier and I tried loads of things to control it. I loved the taste of that first beer, that first glass of wine, that first gin and tonic.... but as the old saying goes...one's enough, two's too many and three's not half enough.
I always craved that first taste, that first kick but no matter how much more I drank that feeling was never replicated.
I started hiding drink around the house and getting up to all sorts of subterfuges to drink more or less constantly. I started to loathe myself and what I was doing to not just me but my family. Eleven weeks ago I decided I had just had enough of this idiocy and told my wife everything. I told her that I would not drink again and that I would seek help. I went to AA again but this time I was ready for the self-doubts and sure enough along they came.
With my determination to quit bolstered by a desire to understand the psychology of addiction I was much more questioning of AA's methods. In short I found that they were not for me. I can not see that I am powerless over alcohol and I can not see that handing my fate over to a higher power will help. My higher power tells me to go out and get some beer inside me...go on it says, it can't hurt.
Well I decided that I have to be my own salvation and I do not drink. In fact I will never drink again. that little voice inside my head can go to hell in a handcart because I have had enough of being pushed around by a base animal instinct.
I have no criticism to make of AA, the people I met ther are a great bunch and lots of them work tirelessly for others. It is just not for me, I have decide to take a more rational stance against this addiction and I am indebted to Blaze 05 and a number of web sites for giving me a real sense of direction.
Good luck, stay sober
Michael