Felicia,
I understand the pain and confusion that comes from such a break up. We all do. I was in your shoes three months ago and I did not take the wise advice of those here with the larger experience. And so, I continued to engage with him. It led to more heartbreak and even to me acting out in ways that I didn't think I would ever do. There is frustration in this type of ending...there is a lack of power that combined with the pain can push you to want to uncover some deeper meaning to it all... there isn't one... its the alcohol. At this point, any more contact will only show you how deep that vice can sting. You are empowered within yourself and for yourself, the rest is outside of our control. Big Hugs and well wishes! This too shall pass. Oh, I came across a great proverb from Zenn, which said "Let Go or Get Dragged"...sign, my knees are all scrapped up... stand tall my friend. It is the best way.