Originally Posted by heartcore

I feel compelled to respond to this statement:

"You have to understand addicts love one thing and one thing only, their drugs or alcohol."

I am an addict and an alcoholic, and have been in and out of recovery through my lifetime. I am not a perfect partner by any means, but have also been a loving, hard-working, kind mother and partner, both in and out of recovery. There are many different kinds of people who get into drug and alcohol abuse. Many of us have never been violent, are thoughtful and romantic, are bright and educated, and make extraordinary efforts to continue to grow. Besides much energy given to recovery work through my life, I have also done a good bit of therapy, lots of reading and writing, etc.

I am not perfect, but - honestly - I am no more "dysfunctional" in relationship than, well, most of the folks posting here. I post here too, working on my issues of codependency.

Addicts and alcoholics are struggling with physical dependency and a form of mental illness, but we are capable of love. With the same continuum of that capacity as the general population.

I say this because I not only know myself, but know many other alcoholics - both in the world and in recovery. There are angry, brutal, selfish alcoholics and there are overly-sensitive, damaged, quiet alcoholics. There are low bottom drunks (who take it all the way - to health damage, and family destruction, and institutionalization), and there are high functioning alcoholics who find recovery before they get anywhere close to those stages. My alcoholism is counted in the glasses of red wine that I drank every night or in the too many cold beers. Not good for me, no. Not good for my body. A "checking out" - the easy way out of pressure and tension and ambition. But - in recovery - I'm pretty fabulous (and although I hesitate to say it here - I think I was a darn good partner while drinking too - I had different negative impacts on my life, primarily my health).

So, the very good questions posed have to do with how this person is treating you right now. How you enjoy their company right now. What your gut tells you about this right now. Most importantly, if the dynamic in the relationship is causing you to not be true to yourself or you feel that you are giving parts of yourself away, then it is not a positive relationship. That could happen whether or not the potential partner is an alcoholic.

I see so many express here the fervent desire that their beloved alcoholic will seek recovery and really do the work. Some of us do. I think that many of us turn into extraordinary people.

As to the one year "rule." Although this is oft-repeated, it is a recent "suggestion" that is thrown around the aa program. It is only a suggestion. It is not part of any of the original literature (not mentioned in the big book) and was not at all a part of aa until relatively recently. I think it is a grand idea to fully focus on recovery for a year, but many folks successfully get sober while involved in pre-existing relationship, like a marriage, that they came in with (and which may be very damaged and cause a great deal of additional stress). One of the issues that the one year "rule" seeks to address is that if two newcomers to recovery get together, they are both juggling lots of feelings, and may trigger some crazy in each other. If the relationship fails, one or both may be embarrassed/awkward about returning to their meetings. Additionally, if a recovering alcoholic dates a moderate drinker early on, the pressure of dating (or that person's lifestyle) could encourage a return to alcohol.

If a recovering person gets involved in a healthy relationship with someone who communicates with them and supports their recovery (ie. not drinking around them, giving them lots of time and space to attend meetings and therapy), there is no universal wisdom that this will inhibit their capacity to recover. For many, it might make them stronger.

Loneliness doesn't make recovery "deeper." Additionally, destiny is a mysterious thing, and we just don't know when we will actually meet and fall in love with the right person.

Finally, if you're uncomfortable enough about the situation that you are posting on the co-dependent forum, I support your worry that this might not be right for you. At the very least, I hope that you'll feel confident and received talking about these exact concerns directly with your potential sweetheart.