Unease, I am sorry for what you are going through. My sober Alcoholics always respond that they are A's and that's what they do. Not that it is acceptable behavior, but that is what they do and who they are.
We get to a point in our life that we can't take the abuse anymore and maybe you are coming to those terms. You need to hit some alanon meetings, and open AA meetings to educate yourself. Keep reading SR as that has a ton of information in it.
You are not dealing with anyone who is rationale so to try and comprehend what the A's do to us is ridiculous. I have been trying to treat my stbaxh for 34 years and nothing changes, but me. Work a program, educate yourself and then you will have choices that you will be strong enough to make when you are ready to make them.
Good luck and keep coming back, this forum works!!