I just had to come back to this because... I wanted to tell you part of my story.
My entire life, I fell for men who needed me. I had learned from an early age that putting other people's needs above my own was praiseworthy and good. It wasn't like these men were homeless cats that I put up -- they definitely had their attractive sides -- but at the bottom of it all was this: they made me feel valuable because I helped them. One was clinically depressed, two were alcoholics, one was a drug addict -- and the main part of our relationship consisted of me trying to love them out of their problem. I thought they had a problem. They didn't. So it was really hard work. Sort of trying to drag a resisting mule to the cart so it could help pull.
After a long marriage to an alcoholic, and eight years in recovery (me, not him -- he's still drinking and we're no longer married), I am now in a good relationship. And the thing that's so remarkable to me is how easy it is. When I want to say something, I open my mouth and say it. I no longer sit in the car on my way home planning on the perfect way to say what I'm thinking so that I don't upset him. When I want something, I say I want it. When I want to say no, I say no. There's no longer that painful, dragged-out process of analyzing how my words and behavior might affect him (which then in turn will affect me and the kids).
I was almost 50 before I had a normal relationship with a man, one where we treat each other as equals. I have to say it's way preferable to picking up someone and trying to change them into the person I'd like them to be...