Hi zjw.
Making amends is all about making things right for ourselves regardless of the responses we get. It's not for us to decide whether or not what we've done to others is unforgivable or not, anymore than it's up to us to decide whether or not our help, support and any other acts of generosity on our part are meaningful for those we try to help.
Originally Posted by
zjw 
I also dont want to be dragged through the mud for something I"m not quilty of its easy to twist things around and guilt someone for somthing that is not true sometimes it can be hard to know the difference when your the one being accused of being selfish hence why I tend to check this trait a lot in myself.
You mentioned in your OP that you're concerned that your wife might throw in your face the things you discuss with her while making amends, even though you stated that this has never been the case with her.
You also commented that you suffered from your stepfather's behavior, and that you still experience what he did as unforgivable to you, that you cannot bring yourself to forgive him and, according to your logic, that this makes it impossible for you to forgive yourself. And vice versa.
One of the many definitions of 'forgiveness' is ceasing to harbor resentments. I and many others would argue that the ability to forgive is a significant indicator for psychological health. This ability is also, I believe, a reliable measure of happiness.
There are many reasons why we cannot or will not forgive other people's actions or, put another way, why we hold grudges...Protection against future pain and disappointment, a sense of superiority that appears to strengthen self-esteem (which is truly only temporary), or the type of comfort that often comes with "being right."
What I'm suggesting is that the pain you suffered from your stepfather in part explains the extreme difficulty that you experience in thinking about or discussing your own drinking behaviors which, in turn, invites an emotional return to your earlier suffering. The more you associate your past with your present, the less able you will be to heal. Holding onto resentments inhibits personal growth and promotes negativity. How can the kind of ongoing pain that you've describe offer anything positive for you and for your life?
Also bear in mind that loving relationships in the present can help in healing the hurt of earlier relationships while also nurturing individual growth and a general sense of well-being. This is true for everyone. As things now stand, you're denying yourself and your wife deeper intimacy and potentially greater pleasure down the line due to your anticipation of a type of pain that is overburdened with the events of your past.
I see all that's happened with you lately as providing a tremendous opportunity on your part. With regard to this issue, what would you say to your wife were you to know that you're going to die tomorrow?