Maybe you continued a chain of some kind.
It sounds like something is eating you up & eating you up quite badly.
Amends can mean all sorts of things ..... saying sorry, staying sober, treating people lovingly.
It can also mean taking action, therapy maybe ? ....... to ensure that the root cause of the problem is treated and that you are doing everything in your power to ensure it won't happen again ...... breaking the chain for good ... perhaps ? That can be the greatest amends ever.
It is hard to wish away in our own heads .... guilt, remorse, shame etc etc.
I'm no huge fan of the Catholic religion ..... but I do think they got the confession thing right.
Which they have been doing for centuries ... well before there were therapists & councillors .... luckily you can go to any number of professionals these days.
The one thing amends should never be & that is hurting anyone else for your own comfort.
Get it all out to someone who will be unaffected like a therapist & then make the living amends by being a better person in your family.
Best of luck with it ... sincerely
