Wow. Have to say I'm a bit in shock to read the last two replies because up until now, 100% of input since my breakup has been: "GOOD for YOU! You did the right thing! You are courageous and brave!" "Move forward and don't look back...!" etc etc etc And all of that, while encouraging, made me feel sad, too. He's a very good person, very tender hearted, and 95% of the time takes responsibility for his actions.
Re Needabreak's question, "And why would you listen to "well-meaning friends" and not to your own heart?" yeah....that's exactly what my BF asked (and probably the reason he won't take me back if I do try). I don't know. This was my first serious love relationship with an alcoholic, and I have spent the better part of my life believing the conventional wisdom that one can't possibly have a healthy relationship with someone addicted to alcohol, so....after two years of questioning it, I guess I finally gave in to that. Of course I knew he was an alcoholic from the start--he said it himself--so it's my own damn fault for not being able to resist him.
I should mention that the breaking point for me was that he also does hard drugs occasionally (every 2-3 months) and when he does, he disappears and I go into anxiety attack mode, I have chest pains, etc. This happened 2 days before I broke up with him. He always feels ashamed afterwards but doesn't make excuses, but this time I just thought: "Enough. I can't do this anymore." The stress was starting to really wear on my own health. He's been a heavy drinker for 35 years; that's his main drug by far. I don't drink other than a half glass of wine every once in awhile.
When we first met, he mentioned that he "doesn't do ultimatums" and though he had somewhat tempered that along the way, I knew that change had to be up to him and I didn't want to get pulled any further into the vortex of codependency. I wrestled over and over whether to try to tell him he would have to change for me to stay, but I guess I knew in my heart he would choose alcohol so perhaps I just decided why not save us both the pain of that decision and leave him/us with whatever shred of dignity I could. But it haunts me so much.
Wow, I am really hurting right now. Thanks for the input. And I am sorry for hijacking this thread! (Should I start a new one?)